My children have inherited many traits common to my side of the family - creativity, blonde hair, blue eyes, a love of chocolate and a genetic disposition for anxiety and depression.
I would never have described either of my children as anxious, but after experiencing two major life events - a family separation and a move to a new community, it was as though a match had ignited the anxiety dragon that had been lying dormant.
When my oldest son Joshua was nine he began to worry. And while most typical kids worry about things such as, “will I get a goal in the upcoming soccer game,” or “do my friends like me?”, my son started to worry obsessively about everything, particularly about the world blowing up and not being able to find his family in heaven.
His anxiety became so incessant he couldn’t have me out of his sight. Everywhere I went in our home, there he was. When I went to the bathroom he would bang on the door and scream for me to let him in. When I went for my daily run, my mother had to restrain him just so I could get out the door.
His anxiety permeated all of his days and it invaded his nights. When his dreams should have been filled with Ninja turtles, skateboarding and fishing, he would awake in sweat in a panic attack. When he was finally seen by a child physiatrist, it was devastating to learn that he was suffering from depression and had been experiencing suicidal thoughts. He wanted to end his life. He was just nine years old!
But Joshua was quick to recover. He took anti-depressant medication, underwent cognitive behavioural therapy and participated in the Taming the Dragon workshops at BC Children’s Hospital. These sessions gave him the tools he needed to get control of his anxiety. Now at sixteen he has learned to take care of himself, and anxiety no longer interferes with his life.
However, his younger brother Matt, who has an invisible disability, has not had such an easy journey. His anxiety revealed itself during a transition to a new school at the age of seven. I thought it was just typical first day school jitters so I forced him to get out of the car to go to school. Even weeks later as he cowered in the passenger foot-well of the car, each morning whimpering and pleading for me not to send him to school, I dragged him out. I thought he’d eventually get comfortable in his new environment and enjoy school, like all the other kids. He didn’t.
For months, I received regular calls from school because there had either been a behaviour incident or because Matt had soiled himself, (we learned later this was due to high stress and anxiety), and could I please bring yet another change of clothes. Matt would be left to sit alone in the classroom while his classmates avoided his foul order in the library. The humiliation he experienced increased his anxiety and soon his behavioural tics made an appearance. He became a prime target for bullies.
Unlike with Joshua, this time I was without support. Even the local pediatrician was stumped with how to help Matt cope. “He’s too complicated,” was the response I heard at when I sought help for Matt’s encopresis, his refusal to eat, and his aggressive tendencies.
After a great deal of detective work I eventually found a physiatrist who was willing to help. At first I thought he was my light in a very dark tunnel. However after just a few therapy sessions he wanted to put Matt on anti-psychotic medication and admit him into the local psychiatric hospital.
I went for the hospital pre-admission tour, and began to believe that this was the place that could help my son. But on the day of admission I couldn’t bring myself to take Matt there. Something in my gut said that this was NOT the answer.
So I started to research. I spent months on the Internet looking for answers. I contacted psychiatrists, neuropsychologists and parent support groups. I had to find alternatives.
After being on the neuro-psych assessment waiting list for three years, Matt was eventually diagnosed with a pervasive developmental disorder (PDD). I had pushed hard for a diagnosis but it came without any additional supports.
When Matt was assaulted by a teacher I pulled him from school. He no longer felt safe at school and his anxiety escalated. Left without help, I had no choice but to put my career on hold and start the task of home schooling. Overnight, I had the answer I was looking for. I don’t know why I hadn’t put the puzzle pieces together sooner. It seems so obvious now - school was triggering Matt’s anxiety.
Out of the school system, Matt transformed into an easy-going, funny, happy and anxiety-free kid. He was sleeping, he was eating, he was no longer aggressive, oppositional or defiant. The transformation was remarkable! I even began to question the PDD diagnosis. While Matt displayed a few odd behaviours, such as smelling anything he came into contact with and wrapping himself tightly in blankets, he was almost completely free from the anxiety dragon that had controlled his life for more than four years.
However, since it is not cheap raising kids, I had to return to work and Matt to school. But this time I knew what we were dealing with. I had become the expert on my child and I needed to find a school that would partner with me in getting him back into the classroom without triggering his anxiety. After many interviews with school administrators, we found a school that would welcome both Matt and me.
The transition back to the classroom was gradual. His anxiety and tics have peaked on occasion but now all those involved in Matt’s life know how to help him, as does he. He is beginning to understand his body’s signals which tell him he needs a break from the demands from school. When things get too much he’ll ask for a “mental health day,” giving him a day off from school. When the class gets too noisy, he has a code word he gives the teacher so he can leave the room and escape to a quieter place to regain control.
Having these tools have helped Matt, now eleven, cope with being back at school. For the first time in four years he has a friend and is at school full-time. Now if we could just get him to do his homework…..
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